I can see you.

Just, I am fascinated by your writing style. You are so poignant and raw and I cannot help but think that I've known you all my life. You, with your nonchalance and casual turns of phrase, we must be soul mates. I think upon your talent and I say, "that woman has no idea how interesting she is." Alas, I too have no idea how interesting I am. I assume that someone finds me fascinating, but reconciling myself to such a truth is far too difficult. To say "I am a mediocre nitwit" is so much more comfortable. The challenge shall always be to find self-worth. The challenge will always remain to seek approval from self and from no one else. There will come a day when I shall understand and embrace that fully, but today is not that day.

in spite of my fears

I said I wanted to live in spite of my fears. I've come to realize that I have fear of wanting what I want and asserting the right to want the things I want in fear of violating that which others want. I'm tired. Fuck that. I want to live a life that is fulfilling to me. I do not want to be censored nor do I want to censor myself. You cannot mistreat me and abuse me at your whim and have me cower in fear of the inconvenience of discomfort. I will not be spoken to in such a manner. I am an adult and I don't take shit from anyone. I don't care how justified you think you are, you're simply not.

I'm too old to spend my time being miserable and uncomfortable. Every single day is the first day of the life you want for yourself. If you have toxic friends, cut them loose. Life cannot be spent feeling bitter and resentful. If you want to be the way you are, that's perfectly up to you as long you don't poison my stream of consciousness.

I try to live with integrity, but I am a coward and I am farcical. All that I say and do is based on lies and hypocrisy. I know that. I see that. The bitterness of that eats at me from within. I say that I am one thing, but I am not. I have no spine. When I dare speak the truth, the consequences of self doubt are overwhelming. The thing is, I just can't continue to be that person anymore. I just want to enjoy being who I am with who I'm with and not have to think about how much I can't stand to be around you. It's silly.

I think to really mature, to truly come to self is to realize that there are ties that bind and ties that suffocate. I'm loosing air fast. This friendship is a noose that chokes that joy of young adult life out of me. I will not spend my time being bitter, angry, resentful and censored. There were good times and maybe even good times to come. But right now, the bad are defecating on the good and I don't need my memories smelling like shit.

I think we're done here. Good luck finding better.