I can see you.

Just, I am fascinated by your writing style. You are so poignant and raw and I cannot help but think that I've known you all my life. You, with your nonchalance and casual turns of phrase, we must be soul mates. I think upon your talent and I say, "that woman has no idea how interesting she is." Alas, I too have no idea how interesting I am. I assume that someone finds me fascinating, but reconciling myself to such a truth is far too difficult. To say "I am a mediocre nitwit" is so much more comfortable. The challenge shall always be to find self-worth. The challenge will always remain to seek approval from self and from no one else. There will come a day when I shall understand and embrace that fully, but today is not that day.

in spite of my fears

I said I wanted to live in spite of my fears. I've come to realize that I have fear of wanting what I want and asserting the right to want the things I want in fear of violating that which others want. I'm tired. Fuck that. I want to live a life that is fulfilling to me. I do not want to be censored nor do I want to censor myself. You cannot mistreat me and abuse me at your whim and have me cower in fear of the inconvenience of discomfort. I will not be spoken to in such a manner. I am an adult and I don't take shit from anyone. I don't care how justified you think you are, you're simply not.

I'm too old to spend my time being miserable and uncomfortable. Every single day is the first day of the life you want for yourself. If you have toxic friends, cut them loose. Life cannot be spent feeling bitter and resentful. If you want to be the way you are, that's perfectly up to you as long you don't poison my stream of consciousness.

I try to live with integrity, but I am a coward and I am farcical. All that I say and do is based on lies and hypocrisy. I know that. I see that. The bitterness of that eats at me from within. I say that I am one thing, but I am not. I have no spine. When I dare speak the truth, the consequences of self doubt are overwhelming. The thing is, I just can't continue to be that person anymore. I just want to enjoy being who I am with who I'm with and not have to think about how much I can't stand to be around you. It's silly.

I think to really mature, to truly come to self is to realize that there are ties that bind and ties that suffocate. I'm loosing air fast. This friendship is a noose that chokes that joy of young adult life out of me. I will not spend my time being bitter, angry, resentful and censored. There were good times and maybe even good times to come. But right now, the bad are defecating on the good and I don't need my memories smelling like shit.

I think we're done here. Good luck finding better.

It might surprise you to hear that I am exhausted....

Jezz strikes again

I am so upset. I can't even articulate how frustrated I am right now with my car. It's one thing after another with this thing. Seriously, what the fuck do I need to do for my life to stay level and without financial catastrophe? Is there some ritual or blood sacrifice that I need to perform in order to stay on the side of the gods? Fuck.

I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't sleep through the night and I wake up more tired than before I went to sleep. I don't know what else to do. The exhaustion is wearing me down...

Don't suggest exercise, I do that. Don't suggest melatonin, I do that. Don't suggest meditation, I do that.

there you have it

Turned 27. Nothing devastating happened aside from sucking at my job. I was so fucking tired I feel asleep several times and it took me two hours longer than usual to do one show. Grrrrrrrr.

But then I came home, enjoyed some BBQ Chicken Bacon Papa John's pizza (mmmmmm), guzzled some Soco and Coke and watched "The Last King of Scotland" with my boo. I love him, he's amazing, he makes me smile.

But that movie, god that movie. It made we wonder about the propensity for humans to manifest evil. Why is this so prevalent with African dictatorships? Why are humans so easy to follow without questioning? I don't believe education allows me to overlook, condone and even participate in horror. Is it just easier to go along without questioning? Ignorance makes me nauseous. Needless violence as a consequence of ignorance makes me unimaginably sad. Does that make me special? Does that make me an elitist? What is the cost of living above or arguably below the fray? What is the price of not following? I can't imagine that it's greater than slaughter in someone else's name.

27

Ah, so I'm 27 now. Hmm, somehow 27 feels a bit more stoic. I feel more cool, collected, reigned in, if you will.

urghhh

I am massively hung over.
I decided to keep the birthday low key this year. Didn't really bother to tell too many people what I was doing. No one showed up anyway, except for Anita that is.
I had a good time. Lots of $2 shots at Montes. That place is a zoo but it's a good place for a married gal to pick up guys and then tell them I have a husband. Yes, I'm talking about you, Special Forces Ryan
Anyway, 26 is shiny and new. Not really...I feel wasted and unfulfilled. I think I'm coming closer to my destiny and the tipping point of success but still I feel useless and wasted.
I'm embarrassed by my lack of success but I know it's only a matter of time before things change and I carve a niche out for myself.
Just a matter of time.
I'll get there.
In the meantime. Happy birthday Julia. You've survived another year. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing the best you can do.

That was last year. This is this year. I do enjoy having a record of my delusions to act as an electronic bitch slap back into reality. I guess I thought a year would make some sort of difference in my ability to wallow in self pity, disgust and denial. Ha ha...it's humorous now. But I think it's only fair to say that I don't feel as pitiful and helpless as I did a year ago.

I don't think I'll ever stop feeling inadequate and small, but I think I've gained a modicum of control over it. I'm more anxious about the little things. I'm probably just rearranging my anxiety instead of dealing with it, but it's okay to be anxious about the stove being on. I can keep my sanity worrying about a stove a lot more than worrying about failure and death.

I don't fully believe that I'm not a failure, nor am I convinced that I will ever be successful, but I'm learning to be okay with it. I'm learning that I'm doing the best that I can do and that will just have to suffice for me and the world that I'm convinced is judging me.

If there's anything I took away from last year, it was definitely learning to not be so hard on myself. Not be so obsessed with having everything solved instantaneously. I've learned a deal of patience. I'm nowhere close to where I need to be but I'm plodding along committedly, struggling to put one foot in front of the other everyday. I'm 27. That's not old. I have time. I cling to that thought with fervor and desperation. It's not too late. I have time. Besides, can I really complain when I'm given the opportunity to smile at least once a day? Not really.

---

In other news, 27 is ushering an era of food processors. That's right, I finally bought a food processor. Hello, super fast shredded cheese! Woot.com is a death trap. Woot offs make you do silly things, like stay up till 5am frantically hitting refresh until it all goes to shit and you're spending $50 on a food processor. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you're dead to me.

Let's see, what else happened today...ooh, I went to the gym. My handy dandy mio told me that I burned 876 calories. How bad ass am I? But I am for real gonna get back in shape. No, seriously guys, I totally am. I've been hitting the elliptical like insert clever metaphor. I haven't lost any weight. I suppose if I didn't consume a small child's mass in alcohol every weekend I might see some shrinkage. But fuck that, who wants to be skinny and sober anyway? Am I right? Huh? Huh?

Anyway, I'm looking forward to my birthday party. If you don't throw yourself a party nobody will. And who can deny the awesomeness of copious amount of wine and cheese and me?

----

I'm okay with the past year. It's all going according to plan. At 27 I will see my brothers for the first time in almost 10 years. I will love my husband and be loved unconditionally. I will have a sister that will always care for and place her trust in me. I will get to hug and talk to my Mom and Dad without a migraine. I will have amazing people in my life that I will forever be grateful for. I will have a car that gets me from point A to point B. I will have a place to put all my shit. I will draw a pretty amazing picture. I will put up a website, mediocre as it may be. I will sing at the top of my lungs and fuck anyone who can't stand it. I will walk, eat, breath, dance and do everything that I've always done and taken for granted.

I am grateful to see 27. Grateful to have the opportunity to make it better than 26. See you bitches at 28.